BUDDY by Kathy Najimy Maggie is in the process of rehearsing with her new piano player. MAGGIE: (SINGING) SOO, WHAT’S THE USE OF WONDERING IF HE’S GOOD OR IF HE’S BAD...HE’S YOUR FELLA AND YOU LOVE HIM...THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO KNOW. HOW WAS THAT “C”? SHARP? SURE? AW, YOU CALLED ME TOOTS! BUDDY ALWAYS CALLED ME TOOTS! (LAUGHS) AYE YAI YAI...TOOTS! SOUNDS LIKE A CONEY ISLAND HOOKER. AW BUDDY...(SHE PAUSES) NO, I’M FINE HONEY. DON’T BE SORRY...YOU DIDN’T DO IT. NO, NO PLEASE, NO MORE OF THAT “HE’S UP THERE SMILING DOWN AT ME” BULL SHIT. IF THERE ARE ANY CUTE ONES UP THERE, BELIEVE ME HE’S SMILING AT THEM, NOT ME...PLUS BUDDY IS TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS HE WOULD NEVER, EVER LOOK DOWN FROM THAT HIGH UP. OK, LETS DO THE GERSHWIN THING...WHAT? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT KEY. I NEVER HAD TO KNOW MY KEYS - BUDDY DID THAT FOR ME. HE ALWAYS SAID IT WAS BEST I DIDN’T KNOW. “WHY GET ATTACHED TO A KEY WHEN YOU’LL PROBABLY SWITCH THE GODDAMN THING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG ANYWAYS.” 18 YEARS. UH, HUH, 18 YEARS, AND BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, SIX BOYFRIENDS, FIVE BREAKUPS, FOUR AFFAIRS, THREE HUSBANDS, TWO THREE WAYS AND ONE CASE OF CRABS...SOFTSHELL...BA DUM BUM. DISCOVER ME? WELL YES...IF YOU CONSIDER MARIES CRISIS CABARET THE EQUIVALENT TO SCHWABBS THEN, YES HE DISCOVERED ME. I HAD THREE SONGS THEN...AN UPTEMPO, A BALLAD ...WHICH WAS MY UPTEMPO SUNG REAL SLOW, AND A NOVELTY NUMBER... (SHE SINGS) “MENTION MY NAME IN SHEBOIGAN, BUT PLEASE DON’T TELL THEM WHERE I AM”...THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE HE THREW OUT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. OH HONEY, NOT ONLY DID HE PICK MY MATERIAL...HE PICKED MY ARRANGEMENTS AND MY PATTER AND MY JOKES AND MY GOWN AND MY EARRINGS AND MY PUMPS AND MY EYE SHADOW AND MY HAIR-DO AND MY DOUCHE...AND MY SECOND HUSBAND AND MY DIVORCE DRESS AND MY, WELL, YOU GET ME. (PAUSE) I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT NOT A DAY GOES BY WHERE ALL THESE DEATHS NOT ONLY CREEP INTO MY LIFE BUT COME UP AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE. (THERE IS A SHORT SILENCE, SHE IS DISTRACTED) WHAT? I’M SORRY I DON’T REMEMBER HONEY. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT SONG I TOLD YOU WE’D FINISH WITH. NO, I DON’T REMEMBER. I DO REMEMBER SOMETHING THOUGH...VERY CLEARLY...I REMEMBER WALKING ON 9TH AVENUE IN THE WINTER...AND I REMEMBER BUDDY TAKING MY HAND IN HIS...AND I REMEMBER HIM HOLDING IT INSIDE THE FURRY POCKET OF HIS COAT AS WE WALKED.