HEATHER FEATHER
by Kathy Najimy

1975: It is dark except for a mirror ball and a couple of red and blue siren lights moving in rhythm to : (Donna Summer sings) LAST DANCE..LAST CHANCE FOR LOOOOVE. YES ITS MY LAST CHANCE FOR ROMANCE TOOOONIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. OOOH OH I NEED YOU....BY ME....BESIDE ME...TO GUIDE ME. TO HOLD ME. TO SCOLD ME CAUSE WHEN IíM BAD IíM SOO SOO BAAAAD. SO CíMON BABY DANCE THAT DANCE. CíMON BABY LETíS DANCE TONIIIIGHT.

The music continues now but at a lower volume. We see HEATHER FEATHER . She wears a cheap black satin skirt with a swirl of feathers (ripped off an old feather hat) hot glued onto the skirt. Her t -shirt has LUST spelled on it in sequins and she wears roach clip feather earrings. She is dancing a wild disco couple dance.

HEATHER FORGET YOU! RIGHT NOW? I LOVE THIS SONG O.K. GO PEE . YOU DO PEE GIRL, YOU PEE FOR DAYS. HURRY. (she pushes her way to the bar. On her way she bumps into someone) ĎSCUSE ME. (in unison with them) I KNOW THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ME. (to bartender) HEY? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO STOSCH? FIRED? CAN THEY SO THAT? I MEAN ISNíT THERE A BARTENDERS UNION OR SOMETHING? HEíS BEEN HERE FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. NO, I MEAN YOUR FINE BUT...WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WILLIAM , HONEE... GIVE ME A TAB WITH TWO LIMES AND THREE CHERRIES PLEASE. THANKS. HEATHER. HEATHER FEATHER. I AM 19 YEARS OLD AND I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I WAS THE FIRST WOMAN TO STEP INTO BASIN STREET BAR THE FIRST WEEK IT WAS OPEN. KEN AND I BOTH DRESSED UP LIKE MAGENTA AND RAN THROUGH THE FRONT DOORS HOLDING UP LIGHTERS AND SINGING ďTHERE'S A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS OF EVERY BODIES LIFEĒ. O.K. LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT...UMM OR RATHER CORRECT..(laughs) FORWARD (laughs) OH FUCK..O.K. LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. YES I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH KEN. WHY WOULDNíT I BE? HE IS THE ONLY NORMAL PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. HE IS FUCKING FUNNY AND GORGEOUS AND EATS HIS FRIES WITH KETCHUP AND MAYONNAISE MIXED TOGETHER AND HE HATES FUNNY LADY AND THE BEE GEES AND HE LOVES TO DANCE AND HE SO FUCKING SMART AND GORGEOUS AND GAY, UH BI- SEX-SHU-AL. O.K. I CAN FEEL IT. YOU ARE FEELING SORRY ME. HOW LONG DID IT ACTUALLY TAKE TO HAVE THE WORD FAGHAG FORM ON THE BLUE SCREEN IN YOUR MIND? FINE. WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO FEEL BETTER THAN ME . FAG HAG ...FINE. POOR FAT GIRL? FINE. HOPELESS? FINE....BUT CLUELESS? NO WAY UH UH. YEAH HEíS GORGEOUS AND GAY BUT BELIEVE ME, HE NEEDS ME WAY MORE THAN I NEED HIM ..AND IN HIS WAY HE IS JUST AS MUCH IN LOVE. MAYBE MORE. OKAY.. WE HAD A GETTING READY PARTY THREE FRIDAYS AGO. THAT'S WHERE EVERYONE COMES OVER ABOUT 11 AT NIGHT AND BRINGS THEIR BLOW DRYERS AND MOUSSE AND SHIT AND WE PUT ON SOME JULIE BUDD REAL LOUD AND THROW SOME GINOS PIZZA ROLLS IN THE OVEN AND DO POPPERS AND WELL, GET READY TO GO OUT TOGETHER AND ABOUT 8, I CALLED HIM AND TOLD HIM I WAS GONNA STAY AND HANG OUT WITH MY COUSIN AND HER BLACK FRIENDS AND I WOULD JUST MEET HIM AT THE BAR AND I SWEAR TO GOD HE STARTED CRYING. ďHEA-THER I FUCKING WORKED ALL WEEK AND YOU KNOW THIS IS THE ONLY NIGHT I LOOK FORWARD TO AND I CANíT BELIEVE YOUíRE NOT GONNA BE HERE..ITíS GONNA SUCK WITHOUT YOUĒ AND SO I TOLD HIM THAT MY COUSINS BOYFRIENDS FRIEND WAS REALLY CUTE AND FLIRTING WITH ME AND I WANTED TO STAY AND MAKE OUT WITH HIM . WELL, KEN HAD A HISSY FIT AND I SWEAR WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO BASIN STREET THAT NIGHT, I WALKED IN AND KEN GOT UP FROM HIS TABLE AND GRABBED ME AND DRUG ME TO THE DANCE FLOOR RIGHT DURING VOULEZ VOUS COUCHEE .....KISSED ME... FRENCH KISS...IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. (we now hear WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN)

(singing) OUUUU.....OHHHH...PRECIOUS MOMENTS...ARE WE IN LOOOVE? OR JUST FRIENDS..IS THIS THE BEGINNING OR IS IT THE END? UH OH, HEíS BAAACK. KEN!! KENNETH MICHAEL! HEY! YOUR HIGHNESS! YOUR MAJESTY THE QUEEN!! NO STAY THERE, IíM ON MY OVER . EXCUSE ME...UH EXCUSE ME... HEY GIRL. NO RAYMOND YOU LOOK GOOD...REALLY....WAIT YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF EYELINER...THERE I GOT IT. SURE IíLL TAKE SOME AMYLL. (BIG WHIFF) DY-NO -MITE! YOU KNOW RAYMOND I CAN NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW YOU CAN WEAR THAT THING AND MAKE IT LOOK SO SMOOTH DOWN THERE. I KNOW I KNOW BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU MUST HAVE TO MANEUVER IT LIKE A FUCKING RUBIKS CUBE TO GET YOUR BASKET SO SUCCESSFULLY STUFFED BACK THERE. I MEAN THAT SHIT IS SMMOOOOTH. OH MY GOD SPEAKING OF SMOOTH, SEE MISS THING OVER THERE IN THE BEIGE SHIFT? NO ...WITH THE FRIZZY HAIR. YEAH. I SWEAR TO GOD, CORY TOLD SOMEONE AT MY SCHOOL THAT THAT GUY HAD AN OPERATION AND NOW HE IS (she makes a back and forth motion with her cupped hand) SMMOOOTH... NO, NOTHING, NO DICK , NO HOLE... JUST LIKE BARBIE....(does hand motion again) SMOOOTTHH. (she laughs a big amyll induced laugh and spins) OH GOD, RUSH CITY. HEL-LO KENNETH. FINALLY, NO, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? UH HUH. YEAH. RIGHT. AND EXACTLY HOW MANY OF YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN THE STALL TOGETHER? (She laughs) WHAT? KEN , DONíT GIVE ME ATTITUDE WHAT IS WRONG? NO I BELIEVE YOU...I WAS JUST KIDDING...GOD ...SENSITIVE... YOU KNOW THEY HAVE A SALE ON SENSE OF HUMORS DOWN AT THE K MART...MAYBE YOU SHOULD REPLACE YOUR OLD ONE THAT SEEMS TO BE MISSING. KENNETH... I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU...I WAS KIDDING. GOD...BITTER PARTY OF ONE BITTER PARTY OF ONE...YOUR TABLE IS READY.

CíMON GIVE HEATHER A KISS. (she leans over and kisses him..he kisses her back ...hard) WOW. ROMEO! THAT WAS NICE. I SHOULD PISS YOU OFF MORE OFTEN. (they look each other in the eyes for more than a beat) YEAH... YOU TOO YOU GOON...YOUíRE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND. ..AND PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON IíVE EVER RELATED TO IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. GOD, KEN ARE YOU CRYING AGAIN? ALL RIGHT . OH MY JESUS I LOVE THIS SONG... (she sings) DIDNíT WE BOTH HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO...MIDNIGHT BLUE...MAYBE THE SIMPLE THINGS BECOME ROUGH...HAVENíT WE HAD ENOUGH...AND I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT ONE MORE TIME..IF WE TRY.. LETíS DANCE. WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? (HE KISSES HER AGAIN) NOW? WELL WHAT'S OUT IN YOUR CAR? A BACKSEAT? WITH MOI? O.K. ARE YOU SURE? YEAH I WANT ...TO ITS JUST...NO, I MEAN YEAH I WANT TO BUT... ARE YOU REALLY SURE? OKAY LETS GO!

(They exit the club into the alley) ITS SPOOKY OUT HERE. UGH! DONĒT LOOK NOW BUT THREE BREEDERS JUST PARKED AND ARE HEADED TOWARD US. OF COURSE I CAN TELL THEYíRE STRAIGHT...THEYíRE ALL WEARING FUCKING IZOD SHIRTS AND LEVI CORDS. I WONíT.. KENNETH I PROMISE I WONíT SAY ANYTHING (then under her breath) UNLESS THEY FUCK WITH ME.....(loudly to the breeders) WHAT DID YOU SAY?.. EXCUSE ME? OH THATíS WITTY... JUST SHUT UP....YA KNOW WHAT? DONíT FLATTER YOURSELF...HE WOULDNíT TOUCH YOU IF YOU WERE THE LAST ASSHOLES ON EARTH. YA FUCKINí CRAMPS!! THATíS RIGHT...UH HUH A FAGGOT AND A FAT BITCH. NOW ALL WE NEED IS THE TIN MAN AND THE SCARECROW BEFORE WE KICK YOUR UGLY ASSES ALL THE WAY TO OZ. HEY! FUCKING STOP IT! LEAVE HIM ALONE..OH BIG MEN THREE AGAINST ONE RIGHT! (she is crying a bit and screaming now) STOP IT ! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM YOU FUCKING STRAIGHT SHIT HEADS! STOP IT! (she is out of breath now) YEAH YOU BETTER RUN YOU .... YOU...OH MY GOD KEN ARE YOU OKAY? KEN...? (she screams) ASSHOLES! KEN..HOLY SHIT....IíLL GO GET SOMEONE ARE YOU OKAY HONEY? OH MY GOD. (Crying) OKAY IíLL STAY...NO IíM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.. SORRY ? KEN WHAT ARE YOU SORRY ABOUT? OH HONEY DONíT BE SORRY . THERE S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU... ITS THEM. OH MY GOD THERE'S BLOOD KENNETH... THEREíS BLOOD..I KNOW I KNOW...I LOVE YOU TOO.....I LOVE YOU TOO.

We hear LAST DANCE....LAST CHANCE FOR LOVE....YES ITS MY LAST CHANCE FOR ROMANCE TONIGHT.... OOOH I NEED YOU... BY ME... BESIDE ME... TO GUIDE ME ....TO HOLD ME ...TO SCOLD ME .....CUZ WHEN IíM BAD IíM SO SO BAD... SO CíMON BABY DANCE THAT DANCE CíMON BABY LETS DANCE TONIGHT.