MRS. KENNY ROGERS AND THE PROSTITUTE by Kathy Najimy Taped music: "Lady... I'm your knight in shining armor, and I love you. You have made me what I am, and I am yours..." Dear Kenny Rogers, or anybody like that: I want to be exactly what you want. And after I am, I want you to promise me, and mean it, that you'll love me forever. I'll be strong ... in an attractive, weak sort of way ... and independent, without crossing that line of unappealing and sweet with genuine niceness to everyone. And you watch me decorate the tree and you notice I look great ... in a subtle, I have no idea I look great kind of way. And you pick me up and carry me off to the bedroom that I have decorated in classy yet folk artsy colors and calico. And we make passionate love, with me exuding just enough need but being careful to be distant enough for you to wonder about. And you brush the hair from my forehead, and I weep faintly into your chest ... for no reason, other than how fragile and sincere I am. I want to be a Mrs. Kenny Rogers kind of woman. You know... the kind of lady he sings about: "Oh Lady, I was just scum in the sewer until you came along and made me a man." With hair that's light, but not really blonde, that would be too cheap. Instead, sort of a wheat-and-sunstreaked affair with not a lot of hairspray. A ninety-five dollar cut that looks like your hair just naturally grows out of your head like that. The kind of woman who always, no matter what, has that I-understand-and-am-knowing-without-being-threatening kind of always smile. I don't need a lot of makeup or jewelry. I was born with diamond studs permanently pierced in my ears. My legs are long ... like the horse I ride every morning. And sometimes ... sometimes, I glance over at Kenny sipping some pineapple juice and chuckle, 'cause he's still such a little boy. Last night I wept when I heard his grandmother's neighbor's sister died. But quietly, on the bed, until he came in and held me for hours, admiring my natural foal-like beauty. I never gossip or talk about Kenny to anyone. I just smile knowingly, and hang that handmade ornament on the Christmas tree. While Kenny admires my ass.