MADDIE AND MICHAEL by Kathy Najimy (originally performed in The Kathy and Mo Show) HELLO WAITRESS! YOO-HOO. HOSTESS. HI. OH I'M SORRY... WAIT PERSON. YES. IS THIS LAS HERMANAS VEGGIE PALACE? OH BEAUTIFUL. MY NAME IS MADELEINE SAMUELS AND I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET MY WOMEN'S STUDIES CLASS HERE. UH, IT SHOULD BE UNDER PERKINS. CAROL PERKINS. SHE'S OUR PROFESSOR. OH I DON’T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN HER, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL...LONG BROWN HAIR, TURQUOISE JEWELRY, OH THERE SHE IS. NO, I'M FINE, THANK YOU. CAROL!! IT’S MADELEINE, THIRD PERIOD, RIGHT ON TIME. OH NO CAROL, THIS IS FINE. I LOVE VEGETARIAN FOOD. TOFA, TEMPEH...SPAM. S’BEAUTIFUL. OH HONEY, PLEASE DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME, I FIT IN ANYWHERE. I'M OPEN TO NEW FOODS. WHY JUST THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS OVER AT MY NEPHEW MICHAEL'S FOR DINNER, HE AND HIS ROOMMATE PHILIP WHO IS A GOURMET EXOTIC COOK, HE MADE SOME CURRIED DISH. HE COOKS EVERYTHING IN THE WOK, YOU KNOW, THE ORIENTAL ELECTRIC FRY PAN? EVERYTHING: THE ENTREE, THE DESSERT, THE SALAD. THE WHOLE SHEBANG. WHOEVER INVENTED THAT THING MUST BE MAKING A MINT. I JUST LOVE GOING OVER THERE. THOSE TWO ARE A COUPLE OF CUTUPS. SARCASTIC CLOWNS. THE CLIPS ARE FLYING, I LAUGH SO HARD MY ULCER BUMPS UP AND DOWN. ANYWAY, I DON’T LIKE TO SAY IT AROUND THE FAMILY TOO MUCH, BUT MICHAEL IS MY FAVORITE NEPHEW. HE’S GORGEOUS. AND SO SMART. HE HAS HIS OWN LAW FIRM. HERE YOU GO. THE OTHER DAY, I CALLED HIM UP AND ASKED HIM HOW HIS LAW PRACTICE WAS GOING AND HE SAID, I DON’T NEED TO PRACTICE ANYMORE AUNT MADDIE, I KNOW HOW TO DO IT NOW. SEE? HE MADE THAT UP HIMSELF. I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT COMES FROM. WELL ANYWAY, PHILIP GOES IN TO CLEAN UP AFTER DINNER. OH, IT WAS DELICIOUS. I STUFFED MYSELF UP TO HERE.. OH, CAROL, THEIR HOUSE IS IMMACULATE, SPOTLESS. SO CLEAN YOU COULD DROP A PIN. IT'S ALL DECORATED IN A SORT OF FIFTEENTH CENTURY MARIE ANTOINETTE - ART NOUVEAU - DECO RICHE SORT OF THING. BEAUTIFUL. TWENTIES, THIRTIES, EIGHTIES, NINETIES. SO I SIT MICHAEL DOWN, THIS IS MY CHANCE FOR A HEART TO HEART, AND I SAY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, YOUR FRIENDS, WORK AND OF COURSE, WHO ARE YOU SEEING ROMANTICALLY? AND HE SAYS, NO ONE RIGHT NOW. AND I SAY NO ONE? DARLING TIME IS MARCHING ON, ROCKETING. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA JUST THINK ABOUT SETTLING DOWN AND GETTING MARRIED? AND HE SAYS, NEVER. AND I SAY, NEVER? OH COME ON MICHAEL, CHIN UP, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GONNA MEET THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE. HONEY, YOU GOT TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND. THERE ARE SO MANY FISH TO FRY. WHERE DID I MEET MY THIRD HUSBAND WHO WAS ADORABLE? THAT'S RIGHT, THE MUNICIPAL POOL. TRUE STORY, I DOVE IN, NEARLY DROWNED THE POOR MAN AND WE WERE MARRIED A WEEK AND A HALF LATER. IT’S A CINDERELLA STORY OF SORTS. I SAID, ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'LL GO AROUND A CORNER AND BOOM YOU'LL MEET SOMEONE AND FALL ON LOVE. AND HE SAYS TO ME, I HAVE. WELL, I JUMP UP AND NEARLY SPRAIN MY KNEE CAP. AN I SAID, YOU HAVE? WELL MR. SECRETIVE! FESS UP, GIVE OVER, WHO IS IT? WHO DO YOU LOVE? AND HE SAYS TO ME, I LOVE PHILIP. AND I SAY WHO DOESN'T LOVE PHILIP. THE WHOLE FAMILY LOVES PHILIP. HE’S A WONDERFUL COOK AND VERY POLITE. I LOVE PHILIP TOO. AND HE STOPS ME AND SAYS, NO AUNT MADDIE, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TELLING YOU. I AM IN LOVE WITH PHILIP. AND I SAY OOOOOHH. DOES PHILIP KNOW? AND HE SAYS YES HE DOES AND HE LOVES ME BACK. AND I SAY, OOOHHH. OKAY, SO WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME THEN MICHAEL IS THAT YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL. AND HE SAYS TO ME YES I AM. PHILIP AND I HAVE BEEN LOVERS, LOVERS IS THE TERM CAROL, FOR OVER 4 YEARS. AND I SAY OOOHHH. DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW? AND HE SAYS TO ME, NO, I COULDN'T TELL HER. I WAS TOO AFRAID. I THOUGHT I COULD TELL YOU, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE AUNT. PLEASE AUNT MADDIE, PLEASE DON’T HATE ME. AND I SAID, HATE YOU? I COULD NEVER HATE YOU MICHAEL, I LOVE YOU. BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND I HAD MY DREAMS FOR YOU. MEETING SOMEONE NICE, SETTLING DOWN, HAVING CHILDREN. CAROL, HE IS SO GOOD WITH CHILDREN. VERY PATIENT. THAT'S SO IMPORTANT. I SAID TO HIM, ARE YOU SURE? AND HE SAYS, YES. SO I SAID ITS GONNA TAKE ME A LITTLE WHILE TO GET USED TO THE WHOLE IDEA, BUT HELL, I GOT USED TO THE MICROWAVE OVEN, I CAN GET USED TO THE IDEA OF YOU BEING A GAY PERSON. SO I SAID TO HIM, ARE YOU HAPPY MICHAEL? ARE YOU CAREFUL? OKAY THEN. ALL RIGHT HONEY. THEN THIS IS MY NEW DREAM FOR YOU, THAT YOU MET SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND YOU ARE HAPPY. AND THEN OF COURSE CAROL, THERE WERE TEARS THE HUGGING AND CRYING. PEYTON PLACE REVISITED, YOU KNOW. AND THEN PHILIP POKED HIS HEAD IN AND SAID, DESSERT ANYONE? AND I SAID, YOU GET OVER HERE MISTER. APPARENTLY HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON THE WHOLE TIME. AND HE COMES OVER AND I SAY PHILIP, SO WHAT YOU'LL NEVER WEAR MY WEDDING GOWN, WHO CARES, I NEVER LIKED IT ANYWAY. AND HE SAYS TO ME, JUST LIKE THIS, --OH AUNT MADDIE...DON’T BE SO SURE! YOU SEE, IT NEVER STOPS OVER THERE. I LOVE THOSE TWO AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, YOU CAN TELL. AND THEY ARE VERY, VERY PROUD AND HAPPY. AND ISN'T THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING? I THINK SO TOO.