MADDIE & PHILIP by Kathy Najimy CAROL!!! PROFESSOR PERKINS!! Honey, it’s me Madeleine over here! Oh Carol you look beautiful. Sit down Honey I already ordered us a cocktail. Oh no Honey I love your nose ring, it suits you perfect. Carol I haven’t seen you since our Women’s Studies Field trip to the Judy Chicago Supper Party...what was it over three years ago Carol? No, honey it looks good on you, I didn’t think hair could dread up so fast but...yours is good and tangled...more power to ya Carol. Yes Honey, I went on to do two more semesters in the Womens Studies Extension Program. My first class was Women in Terrorism....scary as hell Carol, but I got an A. Then, Women in Gemology, its a Herstory of women and their relation to the lapiz stone...and then of course, true story Carol.... Women and their body temperatures...I cried in that class Carol. Well you learn things you don’t want to know. You can’t forget. Well, its hard to forget mucus Carol... it just sticks to you! No honey, I took this semester off. Well, I’ve got my ushering job at the theater and I spend a lot of time with my nephew Michael who you know I adore and his considerate other Philip. God love them, they just celebrated their eighth anniversary Carol. Philip is very excited. He says to me, Aunt Maddie... 25th anniversary is silver, 50th is gold but eighth is my favorite...Mazarati! He is such a cut up and he is so gorgeous. In fact when we first met I thought...if I was 20 years younger...and a man of course! But no, Philip is very devoted to Michael. Oh yes Carol, Michael still has his law practice...they’ve added his name...its now Scwhimmer, Schwimmer, Plotkin, and Samuels. I know honey it IS silly...you’d think they’d just pick one overall name like...Vons or Blimpies. Something simple yet catchy. Oh, he works so hard Carol. I say Michael darling slow down. You know you’re gonna get a heart attack and god forbid until they come up with insurance for homosexual couples, you never know. And on Tuesday nights he volunteers at the Christopher Street Hot Line Center or the CSHLC . Did you ever notice how many groups with initials the gay folks have? No? OH. I love going over there Carol. I bring my poodles over in the afternoons and we take care of Philip. Oh he's such a cut up Carol...a clown, the clips are always flying... Oh here you go..true story Carol.....Everyday I walk in and Philip yells to me...Well if it isn’t Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes. I have no idea Carol. Goes right over my head. He is such a cut up. Yeah, yeah...Philip is very sick honey. With the AIDS Carol. I mean with the (she shouts) AIDS... Well the group counselor encourages us all to say the word as often as possible and as loud as you can. He says, we whisper it, we give it shame....we yell it , we conquer it. Yeah it really works. Come on yell it with me Carol...AIDS..louder AIDS! What? (to waitress) Oh sorry Miss. OOPS! Carol I guess we were disturbing the peace. Do you think I’ve lost my marbles Carol? Me too....I hope so! You gotta keep your humor. Well, thank you sweetie. Thank you Carol, but no you don’t. No offense but you DON’T understand. Understand?....I don’t even understand....Michael doesn’t understand. Philip doesn’t....you know. But thank you anyways. No, no nurse, just me and Michael and Philip's Buddy from project Angel Wings. Well, she used to bring over hot meals but I cook...so now, she just comes over eats lunch with us. We all sit around and watch The Young and the Bold together. We all have crushes on that guy with the eye patch. Oh, she's a saint...but I get such a kick out of some people Carol. God bless them but they are so silly around sick people. Its funny Carol, you know they are wiping off pencils, staring and oh, here's my favorite Carol. True story....they hug...with their fannies way out here, like they’re gonna catch it through their dungarees. Silly. Me? I hug him so tight he says Aunt Maddie... Aunt Maddie I’m gonna pop!. I just don’t wanna let go Carol. Oh no I don’t give a shit Carol. I nursed and buried three husbands honey, sickness doesn’t phase me. But you know the funny thing Carol. You hear all the same things you always hear when someone is moving on. You know. Thank God his loved ones are around....he’ll be up in heaven soon, God bless him he lived a good life...but the difference is Carol.. what really shakes me to the core is...this time we’re talking about a 30 year old boy. Oh, of course sometimes I get sad. But mostly I get very angry. And Philip gets angry and we holler together and throw the Waterford crystal and cry...and then we clean up and settle down. And play boggle which I am an embarrassment at...or Canasta for pennies and then we laugh. Oh Carol...I love that boy ... like he were my own. I’m sorry, Carol. Its just such a shame....bless his soul. Oh, honey yes, of course I believe in the soul, don’t you? In fact, I actually still talk out loud to my second husbands soul. True story, I’m in the Mayfair and I’ll say to Herbs soul..Honey, smell these sirloin tips....have they turned? Philip's says I’ve lost my bananas. Oh, I’m gonna miss him. And Michael's gonna miss him. God bless Philip's soul. Oh no, I’m O.K. Thank you Carol...but I’ll be fine. I’ll be just fine.