A SINGLES DANCE by Kathy Najimy About 7 years ago I was in a nine year monogamous relationship. Now I am married to a different person. But in between...for the first time in my life...I was single and dating. Single? Was I double before? No, mostly just unaware. Unaware that what those women on Oprah were whining about was kind of true. In my very new... very limited experience it seemed to me that most single men are not only another sex but another species. From where I have not yet determined...but definitely not from here. You see, I used to watch these pitiful talk show guests talk about these men and regale us with stories of emotional immaturity, fear of commitment, compulsive lying, and so forth and I would think “Oh come on, how sexist, they are just men and I am sure there are a lot of them who are perfectly sane.” Oh how naive I was. And how I apologize to those women for not listening more intently and taking notes. Being single had grabbed me like a wild rip tide and thrust me into the reality...the amusing reality of men. And as I stand open eyed and open mouthed, I live to write about my encounters as a single woman and it gives me pause, and makes me laugh. Now to tell the tale fully, I must not only mention that I was newly single but also, newly thinner. About 150 pounds thinner. Ah, you say to yourself, ah, now its all falling into place. Not only was I out of the game because I was attached...but even more revealing, I was way out of the game because I was well, playing with a much fuller deck. See when you are overweight, you know that not everyone will see your beauty, but you are pretty sure that there are at least a few who care more about your strength, honesty, accomplishments, your humor, sexuality and wit, as much as they care about the size of your thighs. Well, you think you know...you hope? You think, oh surely weight can’t mean everything to everyone....that's where you’re wrong. It does. I know! I know what you are thinking...”Oh, fat is fine! There are a lot of men who LOVE large women....it’s the inside that counts....beauty is only skin deep, its the vibe that women emit that matters..blah blah blah” Yeah yeah I know. I lived as the queen example of this philosophy. But you know what...other than a few exceptions, that SHOULD be true and I believed desperately it WAS true and all that but....it’s all just bullshit. On the whole... thinness, is what really matters. I say this not to bum you out, but because I KNOW! After I lost the weight, I would walk into a room and men would come up to me and stick there business in my face who would not have spit at me 150 pounds ago. And its not because “Oh you must have been more confident” and its definitely not because “Oh well you were single so they probably felt you were more receptive”. Again I say to you ...bullshit. In my fatter clouded reality I was very confident and even though I was “attached” I was never so attached that I would be blind to attention from someone who just may turn out to be the man of my dreams. No, now they swarmed me for no other reason than the fact that I had entered the realm of the “way girls are supposed to look”. I enjoyed this attention. It was fun and again amusing but...with each episode, I floated above myself watching me and watching him and as I floated I said to my self...”Really? You are kidding...you are trying to pick up on Me?”, and as I floated I simultaneously said “Fuck you. Oh, thank you .... you say I am funny and interesting and smart. Thank you really.... but would it have beguiled you so about 100 pounds ago?” Not a chance. Truthfully? This is not terribly surprising to any of us, is it? Its just a bit surreal to actually BE the girl in the after school special who is going through it. So now back to this dating thing. I mean I dig men and again my experience here is limited...I admit it, but I’ve got to ask WHAT’S UP WITH MEN? What are you thinking? My friend Paul says to me...”You had just start ed dating...don’t make sweeping conclusions”..he then says, “You are very different from most women.”...O.K. granted. But my world is very rich with women so there are a few things I can say with confidence that I think you should know, the first thing is: WE DON’T ALL WANT TO MARRY YOU! Next thing I want you to know is...YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIE! Some women actually feel the same way about sex that you do. You don’t have to make things up to have sex with women. Next thing I want you to know...WE TAKE JUST AS MUCH TIME TO FIGURE OUT IF WE WANT YOU AS A BOYFRIEND THAT YOU TAKE TO DECIDE IF YOU WANT US AS A GIRLFRIEND. Don’t presume we are more attached than you are before we have had the chance to determine if we even like you yet. Next thing I want you to know...IT IS NOT HUMAN TO PURSUE SOMEONE UNTIL THEY LIKE YOU BACK...AND THEN DROP THEM! This makes no sense. And it is a waste of time. If you are going to spend a lot of energy on someone to try and gain their affections....don’t bother unless you really WANT their affections. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. My friend Eve said to me...”...this man is so in awe of you that he knows no other way to deal with you but to diminish you.” At first I thought...oh come on, I don’t think so. But as I talked to other women it started to dawn on me..its true. THE GUESTS ON OPRAH WERE RIGHT!.. This is the way its looking to me...I’m hoping it’s not this way... but at first glance here’s what I glean. You meet a woman. You like her.....you try to make her like you...she thinks hmm o.k. I like him back and then you go...uh oh...how can she like me back...she's a woman.....how am I going to measure up ...how am I going to equal her...how am I going to please her.....control her....maybe she’ll find out who I really am.. And if she really likes me she must not be of value...(Which is erroneous because the truth is that many of you are cute and charming and interesting and funny and...) anyway, then you think ...O.K. I know...now that she likes me...and I know SHE’s at least human...I will treat her like shit so she is totally confused and then I will have the upper hand in the end. When someone deprives or withholds from you...they create longing..and then you become hooked on the fact that they are rejecting you. It is a movement of control...and leaves little room for women to evaluate how they truly feel at the time about the relationship. Of course we care when you treat us like shit...We are human...we somewhere believe that when we meet someone we like...and they seem to like us back...that no matter how the relationship plays itself out...we will treat each other with decency and honesty. So yes we are hurt, BUT NOT BECAUSE WE ARE TOO MADLY OBSESSIVELY IN LOVE WITH YOU BUT BECAUSE WE ARE HUMANS!!!! Then you get to leave and go onto the next, thinking....oh, just like a woman...all hurt and liking me too much. AUGHH!!!! No, not at all. In search for answers someone has offered me what he calls the “Vagina Theory”. He says that all of it, every single thing a man does...his career, his car, his clothes, his games, his behavior, his money, his actions, his education, his politics, his achievements... all of it, is for one ultimate goal...to get vagina. I thought about this. Actually first I laughed out loud for a really long time...then I thought about it. And I disagree. It can’t be about vagina being the most important thing to a man. Because if it were truly about the vagina being precious, then men would honor women because women actually HAVE one. And then we wouldn’t have this confusion we do, would we? And also its not simply about getting it. In fact it seems relatively simple for any man to get vagina whenever he pleases and for as long as he chooses. He could buy it, watch it, rent it, or obtain it from several sources without much work at all. No, I suggest that it is the CHALLENGE of the vagina. Its the temptation of who the vagina is attached to and how difficult it is to get it. Its about not being satisfied. Its searching for the vagina that represents the prettier, the thinner, the more aloof, the more prized. Its always looking past to the other guys vagina...its how many vaginas ...its getting the vagina that doesn’t want you...its scouring for the most, the best, the better vagina...the wild, the sweet, the adoring vagina, the abusive, the subtle, the distant, the hot, the more appropriate vagina. The next...the next ..the next... yes the challenge of the vagina. The holy grail. And of course, in this quest ...it is not the vagina at all is? It is the objectifying of the vagina and certainly not the cherishing of the woman...and of the ..(yes I’m going to say it one more time)..the awesome vagina itself. Having said this I realize that it has been very different for me. Living with someone for so long and because of my weight, I have never really been in the throes of this mad pursuit. All of my training has not been that of the pursued, but rather that of the girlfriend and more importantly has been that of the friend. When you are not in the game, you become very skilled at personality...and connection. I learned how to have fun and relate with very little at stake. I see this now as a blessing. The relationships I respond to now... the ones that have been the most exciting, have been those that began with a groove. A foundation. Most men and women are not taught how to be friends...first. The pressure of the outcome becomes all too all consuming and often doesn’t allow for us to find a way into each other. My wish for us is that we welcome a way to ease the exchange. To offer the same amount of care and invest the same amount of our souls in each other as lovers as we do as best friends. When that happens....the struggle , deception, and the discomfort disappear and what we are left with is a miracle. I continue to explore. Fascinated by what what brings us here. How we become the men and women we are and what makes this dance so hilarious and precious to us at the same time.